Southern Cops…

Thoughtful Readers..

I ran across this the other day, so I thought I would share it with you. These are supposed to be actual comments taken from traffic stops by troopers in a southern state (which shall remain nameless!!). I cannot vouch for the accuracy of these quotes, but it doesn’t really matter.  Caught on video camera and microphone, these comments have made forever famous, actions and words which should apply to all traffic encounters with police everywhere.

We all need to smile just a little bit more, and these officers are doing their best to help us do that, Enjoy!!! 



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1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”

2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”

6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”

8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”

11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” (National Crime Information Center)

13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”

14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

16.. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. ** ** Sign here.** ** 
Be Well…


27 thoughts on “Southern Cops…

  1. I always wonder where people wander off too when we don’t see them…
    I am closing my blog, and thought I would drop by to say Hello from Texas
    Hope you are doing well in your neck of the woods
    Know there was a whisper on the wind tonight for you
    Take Care Howard…You Matter…

  2. I am from the South…
    very accurate list here LOLs…
    Thank you Howard…I like the smile you gifted us with…
    I hope all is well in your world
    Take Care…You Matter…

  3. Thank you Howard. Yes, work keeps me so busy I hardly get time to put my thoughts down on a paper/web. But this year, I will to change it. I will to write more often and constantly get better. Thanks for motivating me:)

    • Yes, isn’t that hilarious.?!?! The last one (#16..) is great too!! Thanks for stopping by. I visited your blog as well…..looks like you might be a busy person. Sometimes it is really difficult to find the time to sit down and compose thoughts. Stay on it….If it is something you really want to do it will happen….and it always gets easier!!
      Be well,

  4. Hi Howard, I’ve come here because you called πŸ˜‰ Good post. That will attract a few likes.
    This reminds me of when I was driving from West to East along the road (which helps)in Northern Texas towards Carlsbad Caverns. The road was so long and straight that a little hump in the road was a major event. I had overtaken a car about 3 weeks back. I thought I was totally alone as you could see about 100 miles ahead, but a little black dot appeared coming towards me which erupted into a light show. Cops. I pulled over, he executed a J turn and pulled in behind. Well, I thought I was off to jail in Tombstone. So out of the car he came, ten gallon hat, a Swiss Army belt with a pouch for horse shoes, and a uniform the 7th Cavalry would be proud of. He asked me where I was going. I told him. He replied with, “well you are on the right road then”, jumped back in the saddle and his car screeched around and headed west into the sunset. I was so disappointed, no posse, no helicopters just another 2 months of driving along a straight empty road. Ralph x

    • Hi Ralph…I know that road. I’ve driven on that road….all the way I thought, but it never ended. It was the Energizer bunny before there was such a thing. Don’t know how much you have driven in the U.S., but there used to be a road called Route 66 (long before the television show with a like moniker..). I am thinking that it might be the road of which you are speaking…..
      I had a mind to let this pass without comment, but I decided to wear you out a little….. Did you ever find Carlsbad Caverns.?? I suspect not because it’s not possible to be driving west to east across northern Texas heading for Carlsbad Caverns….Nope, not possible. Maybe east to west across Texas heading for Carlsbad, or maybe west to east across Texas going AWAY from Carlsbad…..???? Anyway, I am sure that you had a reason for going in that direction…maybe you were taking a long-cut…..Now I know why that road never ended for you…You would have to go all the way around the earth at that latitude to get to Carlsbad…long drive.! As a side note, where said road used to cross New Mexico there was a small town named Moriarity (sp.??). My car broke down there…baaad thing, that. Biggest roaches I’ve ever seen and the most expensive place in the world to get anything done (at least at that time..). Best way to describe it is…”If you were going to give the world an enema, that’s where you would put the hose…”
      Love your story about the trooper (Texas Ranger..??). Sounds completely like something that would happen in that part of Texas.!!
      Stay well Ralph.

    • Is the abode where you abide in a southern state….geographically, or only of mind. Nevermind, I know the answer….Tejas is a wondermous big place. I can easily see officers saying these exact things when the occasion arises. I wonder what the drivers thought after…..

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