We interrupt this program to bring you the following important announcement.
After some internal discussion **** Airlines has decided to issue a public statement after an internal memo was leaked and widely disseminated across the industry and throughout the public domain. The question at hand relates to aircraft maintenance and the way in which **** Airlines chooses to handle known or suspected maintenance issues with individual aircraft in their fleet. While the following transcript from aircraft maintenance logs seems to indicate a degree of flippancy on the part of maintenance personnel, it should be noted that **** Airlines is the only major airline never to have been involved in a catastrophic accident.
After every flight **** Airlines pilots fill out a form, a maintenance log, otherwise known as a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about any problems associated with the aircraft during the most recent flight. The mechanics investigate and correct the problems, then document their repairs in the maintenance log. The next flight crew assigned to that aircraft reviews the log before flight and determines the status of the aircraft with respect to its airworthiness. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.!!
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by **** Airlines pilots (marked with a “P”) and the solutions by maintenance mechanics (marked with an “M”).
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
M: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That’s what they’re for.
P: IFF inoperative.
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.
P: Cabin pressurization will not reach 1018 mb.
P: Aircraft shudders while in low altitude left turn below 110 knots.
M: Aircraft was scared, passengers were too.
P: Strange vibration coming from crew restroom.
M: Crew restroom not designed for dual occupancy.
P: During rainstorm water runs down cabin wall to floor.
M: Plumber required for water to run up wall.
P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget.
Yes, I know it’s fake!! But it sounds like someone had a terrific time thinking about issues that might befall a flight crew getting ready to launch an aircraft into the wild blue. I appreciate the humor and the absurdity!! Hope you do as well.